


take my hand

by sinceraly



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Boys In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Love Confessions, M/M, Other characters are mentioned but don't show up, Post-Canon, brought to you by my crying during the wedding scene in crazy rich asians, this is cheesy to high heavens, zelos wilder needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-12-07 01:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18228263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinceraly/pseuds/sinceraly
Summary: Zelos thinks about Lloyd, about his own fears, and learns that maybe he won't have to be alone anymore.





	take my hand

_ shall i stay, would it be a sin... _

  
  


Lloyd Irving is unlike anyone Zelos has ever met before.

For one, he's loud. Not just in the strength of his voice, but in his ideals, his obvious determination to change the world not for himself, but for the general good of everyone. That determination didn’t even limit itself to  _ his  _ world - it carried over to Tethe’alla, a world he had never known but protected fiercely anyways. 

That leads into another difference. Lloyd Irving is naturally, unheedingly, and amazingly selfless. He has his pleasures, food, pranks, and being around his friends and family being his most notable ones, but Zelos has seen Lloyd share with everyone. Some bread crumbs for some pigeons here, kicking a ball around with kids in small towns there. And while most people would hesitate to share their family, to lose some of the attention they’re bound to lose when the family expands outwards, Lloyd hasn’t stopped sharing his family and friends. Being friends with Lloyd Irving doesn’t just net you the support of a consistently hyper young man who’s saved not one, but two worlds: it nets you an entire support system of people who have been to hell and back, people who have betrayed and been betrayed, and know how best to patch up everyone’s wounds.

Zelos supposes it’s no surprise then that the biggest thing that sets Lloyd Irving apart is how much he feels for others, how much he  _ loves.  _ Lloyd loves deeply and endlessly, something Zelos has never actually experienced before. Lloyd has had friends ripped from him, been banished from his home, has had people he loved turn on him - but instead of getting bitter, he takes it as a challenge to love more. Lloyd Irving loves because he trusts in that ability to change others. He trusts in his love for others to make them want better for themselves and for everyone around them. He’s a fool. It doesn’t work that way.

Is what Zelos used to say. It’s what he used to think. Before Mithos, before saving the worlds and all of humanity, before the party and meeting Lloyd, Zelos was sure of two things in his life: one, that he was Chosen, made to give up a life he never got to live, showering himself in pleasantries because faking his happiness felt better than living with his regrets. The second fact? Zelos Wilder should never have been born.

After a few years of knowing these two things,  the hurt had dulled into a numbness, the anger piercing his mind becoming a weak throb. Zelos had simply lost the will to fight back against an unjust system, content with living well until he stopped living at all. It wasn’t hard to lose himself in the niceties of being Chosen, and if it distracted him from the unfairness of it all, from the lingering hatred of not only his situation, but himself, then so be it. He wouldn’t make it for much longer anyways.

But then the party saved him, and he finally got a taste of real, true, honest-to-god  _ freedom. _ The ability to make up for every mistake, every regret, to make himself anew in a place safe from judgement. It was intoxicating. Zelos never wanted to leave.

It terrified him.

Zelos held his breath for the day this would be taken from him - or worse, for when it would be turned on him. He had friends. Lloyd, Sheena, Colette, Genis, Raine, Presea, Regal. He had friends, people who annoyed him endlessly, who he pestered incessantly, who made him smile and laugh and want to  _ live _ . However, Zelos was too jaded to let the rug be pulled from underneath him that easily so he… he made the first move. When Mithos came up to him, a deal was struck, and Zelos would feed him information.

He honestly thought that being the one to betray the party would make the inevitable easier. Zelos thought that having a choice in the matter would make it easier to swallow the pain of losing them, that being the one who betrayed them would… it would allow Zelos to die with a lighter chest.

But as he had stared them down, a fake smirk pulling on his lips, all he could focus on was the tears streaming down Sheena’s face, Colette’s futile struggling, the hurt displayed in Lloyd’s eyes. Maybe at some point, he really was going to leave them to die, but at that moment, he knew he would rather be killed mercilessly than continue on with Mithos’ plans.

So he saved everyone as soon as Mithos turned his back, rescued the party in its entirety with the advantage betraying them had given him, and got socked in the eye by a Sheena who was equal parts angry and so, so relieved. In the moment her fist connected and his head snapped back, Zelos finally realized, with a wheeze, that the party would never allow themselves to be ripped apart at the seams like he was so sure was going to happen. These fucking losers would change the world.  

And Lloyd led the charge. Lloyd, who brought the party together, who wielded the Eternal Sword, who did his part in saving humanity. Lloyd, who burns water and yells too often and is really bad at lying. Zelos doesn't know when he fell in love with him, doesn't know when being around him felt as natural as making quips or flirting for shits and giggles. Zelos doesn't know when Lloyd Irving began to dominate his thoughts, doesn't know when he realized - when he  _ truly _ realized that he didn't have a dream that Lloyd wasn't in.

Zelos smiles softly to himself, blinking himself back to reality. The soft reds of sunset pour out of the window, bathing the furniture of his room in the light. They're resting at an inn, he, Lloyd, Colette, Sheena, Genis, and Raine. While it's been unspoken, there is a sadness hanging over the air as they walk through Sylvarant's great cities, the natives showing Zelos and Sheena what they couldn't while on the run. 

This is their last journey together. Presea and Regal are already back on Tethe'alla, working to fix Regal's company up into better shape. Kratos is gone, still with Derris-Kharlan, and it was his initial disappearance that made Sheena and Zelos ask for this, for this one last hurrah. Lloyd looked so upset, so disappointed in the fact that Kratos had left, and the party jumped at the chance to distract him. Colette had helped them plan the surprise trip, and Genis and Raine were glad for a chance to break the routine again. Everyone knew the end was coming - why not greet it with a bang?

But Zelos’ breath hitches. He's not stupid, he knows how this ends up. He's going to be expected back on Tethe'alla, and with nothing anchoring him to Sylvarant, he'll have no excuse to appease himself, to stay because of -

…

_ Would they even care? _ The thought lingers. Objectively, Zelos knows that yes, they would care. Lloyd is clingy, obvious in his affection, and after Kratos’  _ abandonment _ (the fury overpowers his thoughts for a second, pissed at Kratos, at his disregard for Lloyd, at his disregard for everything Lloyd had tried to build between them-), he's been more open than ever. Lloyd and Colette would cry, Sheena would yell, Genis would turn his back and frown, and Raine would glance at him with the same look he knows in himself, the look of someone who accepts fate as is and no longer tries to change it.

Subjectively, Zelos does not understand this concept. Zelos is a manipulator, a liar, a traitor. He's put them in danger time and time again, hurt them with harsh words he's never meant. The scars on his heart are barely healed, stitched together with all of the half-hearted care of someone who never expected to live this long. But yet, they care. Why? Why give a damn over someone like him? Why give an  _ inch  _ over someone like him?

But then Lloyd's smile comes back to the forefront of his mind, bright and trusting, and Zelos’ fears don't melt - they never do - but they seem  _ manageable _ . They seem smaller, less intimidating in the shine of Lloyd's auburn eyes. Maybe Zelos won't ever be the honest man he should be, maybe he won't ever learn true peace and maybe there will always be the lingering shadows in his mind, but he could work through it. So long as he knows he has support and  _ someone  _ who has faith in him.

(His mind knows he has more than just Lloyd's support, and that's so hard to understand. He decides maybe it's best to take it one at a time - he's accepted Sheena's support, now Lloyd's - he'll get there, someday, to something akin to true acceptance.)

A knock sounds on his door and the mask slides on like butter on a hot knife, something so instinctive and natural that the thought he shouldn't hide anymore feels intrusive, wrong. But Lloyd's voice calls out softly from behind the door, and Zelos can't help the hesitation he feels in allowing the genuine fondness in his voice to leak through his words.

“Come in, Lloyd.”

He's in his casual clothing, Zelos notes first, a pair of navy-gray trousers and a black tank top. Lloyd's the simple type, shows this in his every action and appearance. More than once has Zelos caught Lloyd looking at flashy wardrobes and jewelry with something like confusion. To Lloyd, everything should serve a purpose, and if that purpose isn't utilitarian or to provide someone with joy, there isn't any reason to keep it around.

Where does that leave Zelos, he wonders -

“Hey,” Lloyd greets, leaning against Zelos’ door frame with a small, closed mouth smile. “You didn't show up for dinner.”

“Not hungry,” Zelos shrugs, not lying. He shifts, still sitting on the windowsill but now facing his friend. “Give the party my apologies, I'm sure they missed my wonderful presence.”

Lloyd chuckles and Zelos swoons just a little, but he ignores it, biting down on his tongue to keep the lovestruck beam back. 

“Genis missed you, said he had new insult material to test out on you,” Lloyd jokes back, and Zelos grins, well aware of the boy's fake hate for him. Their spats feel more like brotherly rivalry than anything hurtful. 

“I'll see him in the morning before he gets his coffee. It'll be more genuine then,” Zelos replies, playing with his hair, threading the strands between his fingers. It's easier to ignore the way Lloyd is bathed in the soft lighting pouring in through the window if Zelos distracts himself.

Another short laugh, and then Lloyd moves, strolling across the room and then planting himself on the windowsill next to Zelos. The proximity makes Zelos’ heart pound, makes it harder to keep the mask on when all he wants to do is run for the hills before he does something to ruin all of this. But then Lloyd grabs Zelos’ left hand and interlocks their fingers, and Zelos is stuck in place, tense and with wide eyes.

“I wanted to thank you,” Lloyd says, and he's not looking at Zelos, eyes averted, just a little downcast. But Zelos knows he's been feeling blue for a while, just too loud to have it be heard. “Colette told me that you were the one who came up with the idea for this journey. Thank you.”

“Lloyd -” Zelos starts, but Lloyd cuts him off with a soft glance, his eyes conveying his quiet determination. Zelos feels his hand being squeezed lightly, and gives in, allowing Lloyd to speak his piece.

“You didn't have to,” Lloyd starts again, “after everything you've been through, I'd understand if you wanted to leave and put everything behind you, never see us again and start anew. But you -” he pauses, takes a breath, and then continues, “you saw that I needed help. And you did all of this. You planned all of this and didn't even tell me so I wouldn't feel bad about it.”

Zelos wants to argue that he did it in silence because it's the least that Lloyd deserves, but something tells him Lloyd has more to say, so he keeps quiet, gently, slowly squeezing Lloyd's hand back to keep him talking. It's the most support he can show without risking his mask, and he's still not sure how to do this without it.

“After Kratos - after dad left, I… I wondered if it was me, y'know? First mom dies, then my village ends up hating me, my uncle decides I'm better off dead, my father leaves… I wondered if it was me, if I had some sort of curse. That would make people leave me, whether on their own accord or against it. But they would leave.”

Zelos' heart lurches because he's been there too. He knows all too well the feelings of inferiority and vulnerability that comes with abandonment, knows what it's like to have everything come loose like a tugged string in a knitted scarf. “It's not you,” he breathes out, but Lloyd gives him a smile that's filled with patience and something else that sends Zelos’ mind in a frenzy.

“I know it's not. At least, now I do,” he laughs under his breath a little. “I talked to everyone else and they basically said the same thing. But - the difference and the main thing I wanted to talk about here was that when I was at my lowest, you…”

He gestures with his free hand at the room, but Zelos knows he's talking about the journey as a whole. He bites his lip and looks away, too flustered to really wanna take credit because he knows it comes across as - well - something intimately caring. And that's not a mask Zelos has ever worn, has ever thought to polish. He's at a loss for words.

“You put all of this together. For me. And it was exactly what I needed. So thank you, Zelos. I - I appreciate this more than I could ever describe, really.”

“You don't have to worry about it,” Zelos mutters, unused to such genuine praise. “It wasn't hard to put together.”

“That's not the point,” Lloyd argues softly, and Zelos allows himself a glance more at Lloyd's eyes, at the way they watch him with open affection. He's not used to it, to the rouge that he feels blossom on his face. “The point is, you saw this and you went entirely out of your way to help me. I -”

“Please don't say you're going to thank me, again,” Zelos interrupts, but it's with a fond, exasperated tone. “You don't have to thank me. I should be thanking  _ you _ for the stuff you helped me through on our first journey. Which I'm not. Because I don't do that kind of mortal stuff,” he teases, and Lloyd giggles, and that brings another grin to Zelos’ face.

They sit in silence for a few moments, the room darkening as the sun gets lower and lower, but their hands don't separate. Zelos is about to lose his ability to keep composed, to deal with the unexpected close proximity they're in, when he feels Lloyd scoot closer, placing their intertwined hands on his thigh and his head on Zelos’ shoulder.

“I didn't want to just say thank you,” he says, and it's so quiet Zelos isn't sure what to think. Lloyd being quiet is so against his nature that it makes Zelos’ pulse skyrocket, makes him wonder what's next, what's -

“I realized something while traveling with you this time.”

“Yeah?” 

“I love you.”

It's so sudden, so honest and beautiful and simple and so, so, so  _ Lloyd  _ that Zelos can't help the way he gasps slightly, tensing and then immediately relaxing again, mask shattering instantly. Zelos knew Lloyd held him in high regard but -

but to know that he  _ loves _ Zelos like Zelos loves him is something entirely different.

“Lloyd?”

“Hm?” Lloyd hums, and for all that he must be worried about not having a proper response, he hasn't moved an inch. This makes Zelos think that maybe - maybe he knows, already, that Zelos is hopelessly, endlessly in love with him too.

“I - I love you too.” The words are sincere, and though Zelos has to force them out, wants nothing more than to use his window's curtains to hide his face, he doesn't run, doesn't sneak away. He'll be genuine for once or he'll be damned, because he found his excuse to stay here with the people that matter most to him.

Lloyd lifts his head again, and in the dim light of twilight he leans in, Zelos meeting him halfway in the first kiss of their lives together.   
  
  
  


_...if i can’t help falling in love with you _

**Author's Note:**

> hooo boy im gay 
> 
> anyways! hello, i had started this about two months ago and then watched crazy rich asians again last week and an eldritch demon of romcoms possessed my body until i finished this in one night. i love these dumb sons of mine
> 
> thank you for reading, thank you to aer, rar, and ruri for beta-ing and for egging me on to write this. please feel free to leave a comment if you are so inclined!!
> 
> the song i used as background music was this gorgeous version of Can't Help Falling In Love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR6L_C0Ii6s would recommend listening to this while reading <3


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